Last night I watched P.S. I love you. It was the saddest freakin movie I've seen in my life. I cried more than Hillary Swank. I literally sobbed. I realized I am alone.

I've tried lately to explain to my friends that I've been lonely. "How can you be lonely?" they ask. "You have your kids." Did I hear you scoff? Then you understand. Having my kids around is NOT the same thing. Kids are not the cure for this kind of loneliness. I have been spending much of my free time since the split covering up the loneliness, ignoring it, hoping it would go away. Last night I realized I need to embrace it, to learn from it, to never forget it. Because

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

Some of the best scenes in the movie in my opinion are the ones with Hilary Swank and Kathy Bates. Daughter is learning about mother, and vice versa. There's the one where Hilary says that it doesn't matter what she does, what job she has, who her friends are she's alone. "I mean, you're alone no matter what." and Bates answers simply "That's right."

"... so all alone or not you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone then we're all together in that too. It helps me sometimes."

"I know what it is not to feel like you're in the room until he looks at you or touches your hand, or even makes a joke at your expense just to let everyone know you're with him. You're his."

I'm not anybody's somebody. I've never not been someone's somebody. And that's a blessing and a curse. I want to belong to someone, but at the same time I don't want to belong to just anybody. I want somebody special. This guy I was completely in love with at the time told me, "You'll find someone. There are plenty of guys out there." Obviously. But a man I like? Can put up with? Can put up with me? Has his life, head, heart, and soul together? Those are few and far between I think. And in this in between I'm alone. Probably for good reason. I need to get my life, head, heart, and soul together. In between I'm alone.

i've been a pretty lonely guy too for the last few years, especially at certain times in college. i think the trick is to get over it and take advantage of not having to constantly report in to someone. in your case, that would be weekends when you don't have the kids. once you get over that hump of wanting people and friends to share experiences and have fun with, which i haven't been able to do, i bet is when it gets a lot better.
for what it's worth, you may not have been my somebody, but that time you were a very significant somebody to me, and you still are, especially now that we're on a much more stable and overall enjoyable level.